dear dizzle ...

Dear Dizzle,

Today is your fourth birthday. It is simply amazing to me how fast the past four years have flown by. Every time I look at you, I can still see the jaundiced little face I brought home from the hospital. You are so incredibly different, yet somehow, exactly the same.

Dizzle, you were my most difficult newborn. Probably because I had no clue what I was doing. And now, you are my most difficult child. Probably because I still have no clue what I am doing. And I am sorry for that. I hope that when you're older you'll forgive me for using you as my test run (but really I have no other choice). I also hope you'll forgive me for expecting so much from you. I know you're only four and that I really shouldn't be so hard on you, but you are my oldest and I want you to be an example for your sisters. I want you to be their idol. The person they want to be most like. Because, you Dizzle, are perfect. You constantly amaze me. You are driven to a fault. You know what you want and exactly how you want to get it (even if that means driving me to my wits end.) You are passionate. And kind. And incredibly loving.

Dizzle, I often see myself in you and although that makes me happy, it also makes it incredibly easy for me to fight with you. I just hope that you can understand that when I get mad at you it's oddly because we are both striving for the same thing, to get our own way. Unfortunately, we both can't win. And until you are older and more mature, you need to understand that I get to win. For no other reason than I am older and wiser and I really do have your best interests at heart. And I love you.

It occurred to me this morning that you probably won't remember most of the past four years and what you remember now probably won't be as vivid down the line. But I promise to remember for you. I promise to retell you all the good times and even some of the bad. I promise to remind you of all the crazy things you've done and are going to do. But most of all, I promise to remind you of the sheer happiness you have brought into my life since day one.

Dizzle, I love you endlessly. I cherish every moment of the past four years with my whole heart and I look forward to the many adventures we have ahead of us. You are my world and without you I would be lost.

Happy Birthday Baby!!
Mommy