Tuesday, May 15, 2012

a decade ...

I've been considering what today would mean for me, pretty much every single day for the last 10 years.

I've gone back and forth on whether it would be more challenging and painful than the ones before. Or if the passing of an entire decade would somehow make things easier.

Truth be told, I'm still not sure.

10 years ago today, my father passed away.

It was sudden and unexpected. And recalling the moment when I knew he was gone, instantly brings me to tears. It's like not a single second has passed. I can remember every single detail about that night. I remember exactly what his sister said when I called to tell her. I remember thinking that it was unfair that I had to make those calls. And I remember how I knew that nothing would ever be the same.

And of course, nothing is.

It's funny. When you are a child a decade seems like an eternity. You long for the years to pass, wishing, knowing that something bigger and better is out there for you. Then as an adult, a decade passes with the blink of an eye and you are grasping to hold onto all those moments, good and bad,  who have made you who you are.

Over the past 10 years, I have done my fair share of grasping on and letting go. I've tried my best to cherish all of the good in my life. I've tried my best to move past the pain. And I've realized that having faith or knowledge that your present and future are going to be amazing doesn't take anything away from your past.

Moving on doesn't devalue your memories. And it doesn't make those who've left us any less important. It just gives you the strength to keep going.

So, today, and all the rest of my days, I will move on. But, I will never forget.

23 comments:

bobbi said...

thinking of you...

Marlene said...

My heart goes out to you and your family today. :(

Jill said...

Losing a parent, I imagine is one of the toughest things...so sorry. Thanks for your honesty! Love you friend! 1am Sprint Tri...Seattle, August 21st!

Erika said...

sending hugs and prayers your way. I hope you smile at some great memories of your dad today and every day...

Runner Maybe said...

hugs! I am not sure it gets easier I just think we get stronger.

Kortni said...

Prayers for you today!

Wifey said...

Simply beautiful. You are wise beyond your years, my friend.

Love & Hugs,
Wifey

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

When The date comes around each year, the date my daddy was no longer in pain, the date that I last saw his face and held his hand; I also remember that it was also the day that God knew I'd be okay without my daddy physically here.
My daddy fought his cancer for a while and then he made the choice to stop. I know that when he finally let go, he felt that he had given me everything that he was supposed to and it was now my turn to listen, use and practice all the lessons he gave me.
It's still hard every day. It still sucks and I have moments I want to cry becase I just need to talk to him but they are short lived moments of weakness because I still want to make my daddy proud. I'm a Smith-girl after all.

Big hugs to you! Your dad sure did help make you one strong woman. He must be so very proud of you!

Tricia said...

*hugs*

Wymberley Pfalmer said...

As I am on the cusp of this same reality...you help
Cheers to your Dad

Stephanie Anne said...

Dealing with all of that must be so tough. I hope you spent the day remembering him fondly.

mom27g said...

hugs!!!

Elizabeth said...

hugs. very well written. and it’s so true about time flying by as you get older. i do think that each year that goes by after losing a loved one makes the memories with them that much stronger.

Colleen said...

Thinking of you Tonia... and sending you a hug.

BabyWeightMyFatAss said...

Lot's of hugs today.

ajh said...

I knew as soon as I started reading this what it was about. You are right, you never forget. Ever.

Have you ever read Anna Quindlen? She has some excellent essays on losing a parent - in her case a mother. I actually had my own kids listen to them on audio as I felt they gave a little insight into me. There were things she wrote I gasped at when I heard them as they were so true to me.

There are things you never get past such as your parents not knowing your children. Just the other day I was thinking about how my parents never knew me - the athlete. Anytime I think if them I still choke up.

My heart is with you and thinking of you today. Take care.

H Love said...

Heavy heart for you! Hold on to memories and hope for tomorrow! Hugs to you my friend!

Yo Momma Runs said...

Have you watched Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close? I love in the movie when the boy says that if the sun exploded, there would be eight minutes of light left for us because that's how long it takes light to travel. His father dies in the movie, and he talks about holding on to those last eight minutes of his dad's memory and trying not to let them run out. It's a blessing to have people in our lives who give us strength and love, and are our suns, giving us priceless memories to cherish.

MCM Mama said...

Sending some (very late) virtual hugs your way!

Julie D. said...

sorry for the late comment, T. How proud he would be of you... thinking of you.

Sara said...

"It was sudden and unexpected. And recalling the moment when I knew he was gone, instantly brings me to tears. It's like not a single second has passed. I can remember every single detail about that night."

This post brings tears flowing to my eyes. A year ago, I lost my mother suddenly and unexpectedly. She went out for a run and never came back alive. I got the call from the police at the scene. I can't talk about it yet without crying.

I just wanted to say, I know the pain you feel because it happened to me, only it was a year ago. "Knowing" you through your blog and reading about the woman you are is such a complete inspiration to me. I can't imagine what will be a decade from now for me, but reading your words gives me hope that it will be okay and moving on (eventually), is still okay because I will always know, love and remember mom.

Thank you for sharing your story. It means so much to me.