And although it looked like I really thought about my outfit, that wasn't the case. I didn't even have a choice since there one only one dress in my closet that I could fit into, thus making it the obvious winner.
|We clean up quite nicely ...|
|but, nothing can change our personalities ...|
I know logically that it shouldn't. I know for a fact that the vast majority (over 15 pounds) of that weight is newly gained muscle mass. But there is something about standing in a closet with clothes that are two sizes too small that make you want to cry, that can make you feel like you're failing and that can make you believe that all the effort isn't worth it.
I've been holding on to all of these items hoping that one morning I am going to wake up and they are all going to fit again. And as much as I am letting the numbers on the scale and the tags mess with my head, I know deep down that I don't really want to fit the picture in my head (or the clothes in my closet) if that means I lose my muscle and the strength that comes with them. Also, I'm really not okay with having to discipline myself even more than I already do just to have a body that is impossible for me to maintain.
So, the morning after our date, I tried on every piece of clothing that I own. Then I got rid of anything and everything that didn't fit me perfectly. If it made me feel even slightly self conscious, I ditched it. And the "trash" pile was HUGE. So huge that J gave me this look like I was crazy and then proceeded to tell me that I'll fit back into them one day, which of course, was an epic mistake since I was already feeling sensitive about the fact that I couldn't put on half of my clothing. I may have yelled in response. (Sorry J.)
Once I was done, I felt so much better. The whole process made me realize that size does matter, just not in the way I thought. I don't need to be a size 4 or 6 or 000 (did you know that's a real thing?) to feel good about myself and my body (honestly, I had issues then too), but I do need to embrace the size that I am if I am ever going to be content with the body I have, big or small.