Wednesday, July 10, 2013

cleaning out my closet ...

On Saturday night, J and I went out for a belated anniversary dinner. Since we don't often get the opportunity to go anywhere without the girls, I decided to actually put some effort into my appearance. So much so, that when I came downstairs, Dizzle told J that he "better put on a tuxedo."

And although it looked like I really thought about my outfit, that wasn't the case. I didn't even have a choice since there one only one dress in my closet that I could fit into, thus making it the obvious winner.
We clean up quite nicely ...
but, nothing can change our personalities ...
This has been happening a lot to me lately. I go to put something on to find out that it fit me 20 pounds ago. And it breaks me down. Like, I pout. And get defensive. And yell at the people I love.

I know logically that it shouldn't. I know for a fact that the vast majority (over 15 pounds) of that weight is newly gained muscle mass. But there is something about standing in a closet with clothes that are two sizes too small that make you want to cry, that can make you feel like you're failing and that can make you believe that all the effort isn't worth it.

I've been holding on to all of these items hoping that one morning I am going to wake up and they are all going to fit again. And as much as I am letting the numbers on the scale and the tags mess with my head, I know deep down that I don't really want to fit the picture in my head (or the clothes in my closet) if that means I lose my muscle and the strength that comes with them. Also, I'm really not okay with having to discipline myself even more than I already do just to have a body that is impossible for me to maintain.

So, the morning after our date, I tried on every piece of clothing that I own. Then I got rid of anything and everything that didn't fit me perfectly. If it made me feel even slightly self conscious, I ditched it. And the "trash" pile was HUGE. So huge that J gave me this look like I was crazy and then proceeded to tell me that I'll fit back into them one day, which of course, was an epic mistake since I was already feeling sensitive about the fact that I couldn't put on half of my clothing. I may have yelled in response. (Sorry J.)

Once I was done, I felt so much better. The whole process made me realize that size does matter, just not in the way I thought. I don't need to be a size 4 or 6 or 000 (did you know that's a real thing?) to feel good about myself and my body (honestly, I had issues then too), but I do need to embrace the size that I am if I am ever going to be content with the body I have, big or small.

10 comments:

gba_gf @ Neurosis of the Stay at Home Marathoner said...

No you understand why I bought those $80 Jeans that made me feel amazing after my 2nd round of prednisone... I HAD to do something so I didn't kick myself every day before I had even had a chance to walk outside.

Michele said...

I wasn't even a 000 when I was a baby! I totally get what you are saying. I need to have your will power to throw out things that don't fit, but I keep holding on JUST in CASE! If yours is form muscle gain, awesome! At least know you look awesome when you kick butt out there!

Jess @ Blonde Ponytail said...

You should feel strong and confident in whatever you wear! Kudos for ditching the clothes that don't do your current, muscular, figure justice!

Sally said...

Good for you. Doing that is so hard...sooooooo hard. And oddly...it goes both ways. I've had a hard time getting rid of my favorite jeans....I feel like I need to hang on to them "just in case"....ugh. You are right....size does matter to all of us....but dressing the body that you have well is what makes you all the more beautiful.

Randi S said...

I hear ya, friend. It's totally hard when things don't fit - even when you're in great shape. And it sucks even when you're injured and can only do so much....

Alili said...

Kudos for cleaning out the negativity in your closet. Wear what makes you feel strong and confident!

Jill Poon said...

You are awesome! Great post!

Laura Anderson said...

You and the hubby are super cute, love the fun personality!

Going through and cleaning out the closet is a great thing to do. I try and do it a few times a year. Get rid of things I don't wear, things that are old, things that don't fit like they should. It definitely helps mentally just to clean it out and de-clutter!

Christina said...

I love what Alli said! I would just add, you are a strong woman and you deserve clothes that make you feel strong ... and fierce! Work it, Tough Chik! :)

Kurt @ Becoming An Ironman said...

I think it's great that you got rid of the clothes. If it's muscle mass from training, there's much less "yo-yo-ing" in size. And in that case, there is no reason to hang onto something that is only going to make you feel worse about yourself. Especially when there is no reason to feel bad about it anyways.

I recently went to try and find a new pair of jeans (the only pair I have finally ripped) and discovered that the ones I like don't fit; my thighs have grown too much while my waist hasn't. So it's back to athletic attire! Clothes sometimes only feel like they're out to make you feel bad about yourself in the oddest ways!