I realize this.
I also realize that 18 months ago, my scale displayed a number that I liked a whole lot better than the one it shows me now. I'm not blind to the fact that the
I've been working with a nutritionist for the last 33 days to figure out why I have been feeling so horrible, despite being the picture of health. We have been tackling my health first and my weight (which she keeps saying is a non-issue) secondly. She performed the test that determined that I suffer from hypoglycemia. She gave me a meal plan to follow and with a little tweaking, we have found the nutrient ratio that keeps me energized and feeling well. In so many ways, I feel like a new person. My workouts aren't sucking. I don't feel like I constantly need a nap. I am starting to recover like I used to. The night sweats have stopped. The weight gain has stopped. The body temperature fluctuations have stopped. The vast majority of my symptoms have gone away.
The thing that remains is that number staring me in the face when I step on the scale. In the 33 days since I started the journey, I have only lost 1.3 pounds. I broke up with peanut butter and hummus for 1.3 pounds.
I can't lie, it hurts a little. To put in all that effort and feel like nothing is changing.
But then, I was given a reality check.
In the past 33 days, I have lost 5.5 pounds of fat and gained 3.5 pounds of muscle. My body fat percentage has gone down 3%. That's actually pretty impressive.
But the biggest realization came when my nutritionist told me my goals are unrealistic. That thinking I was going to get back to 150 pounds just isn't going to happen and the only way to get there is to lose a considerable amount of muscle mass. She said that 165 would be realistic and 160 would be a reach.
At first I thought, "You're insane. I weighed 150 for seven years. I can so get there again."
But then, I really thought about it. When I weighed 150 pounds, I was 24% body fat, which gave me 113.7 pounds of lean mass. Right now, at 170 pounds, I have 24% body fat, which gives me 128.86 pounds of lean mass.
That means in the last 18 months, I have gained 15.16 pounds of muscle. Over 15 of the 20 pounds I have gained was pure muscle - which is just nuts. Suddenly, 150 pounds did seem really unrealistic. I don't want to lose that muscle and all the strength that goes with it. Giving that up for a number on a scale is just not worth it to me.
So, instead, I'm going to keep working to get to my new goal weight and I am going to keep working to keep myself feeling well. And I might just have to accept that a new pant size just comes with the territory.