making progress ...

I'm not fat.

I realize this.

I also realize that 18 months ago, my scale displayed a number that I liked a whole lot better than the one it shows me now. I'm not blind to the fact that the huge little number that flashes at my bare feet can really distort my self-perception. It can be really hard to accept reality when the "facts" are staring you in the face.

I've been working with a nutritionist for the last 33 days to figure out why I have been feeling so horrible, despite being the picture of health. We have been tackling my health first and my weight (which she keeps saying is a non-issue) secondly. She performed the test that determined that I suffer from hypoglycemia. She gave me a meal plan to follow and with a little tweaking, we have found the nutrient ratio that keeps me energized and feeling well. In so many ways, I feel like a new person. My workouts aren't sucking. I don't feel like I constantly need a nap. I am starting to recover like I used to. The night sweats have stopped. The weight gain has stopped. The body temperature fluctuations have stopped. The vast majority of my symptoms have gone away.

The thing that remains is that number staring me in the face when I step on the scale. In the 33 days since I started the journey, I have only lost 1.3 pounds. I broke up with peanut butter and hummus for 1.3 pounds.

I can't lie, it hurts a little. To put in all that effort and feel like nothing is changing.

But then, I was given a reality check.

In the past 33 days, I have lost 5.5 pounds of fat and gained 3.5 pounds of muscle. My body fat percentage has gone down 3%. That's actually pretty impressive.

But the biggest realization came when my nutritionist told me my goals are unrealistic. That thinking I was going to get back to 150 pounds just isn't going to happen and the only way to get there is to lose a considerable amount of muscle mass. She said that 165 would be realistic and 160 would be a reach.

At first I thought, "You're insane. I weighed 150 for seven years. I can so get there again."

But then, I really thought about it. When I weighed 150 pounds, I was 24% body fat, which gave me 113.7 pounds of lean mass. Right now, at 170 pounds, I have 24% body fat, which gives me 128.86 pounds of lean mass.

That means in the last 18 months, I have gained 15.16 pounds of muscle. Over 15 of the 20 pounds I have gained was pure muscle - which is just nuts. Suddenly, 150 pounds did seem really unrealistic. I don't want to lose that muscle and all the strength that goes with it. Giving that up for a number on a scale is just not worth it to me.

So, instead, I'm going to keep working to get to my new goal weight and I am going to keep working to keep myself feeling well. And I might just have to accept that a new pant size just comes with the territory.

RMR Results ...

It's no secret that I have battled with my weight, now and in the past.

I do not pretend that I don't care, because in the end, when it comes to endurance sports and overall health, weight matters. It makes a true, measurable difference.

I do not hide the fact that I have gained 8-10 pounds since December, despite constant calorie monitoring and a vigorous training schedule. Furthermore, I do not hide how much this bothers me. Not for vanity, but rather from a performance standpoint.

And I know that to others I seem fit and my body may be "enviable", but there is no reason anyone should gain 10 pounds in 6 months when they ACTIVELY TRYING NOT TO. It just doesn't make sense.

I felt as if I had hit a dead end. I was eating the amount of calories I should have been based on all of those calculations for determining your metabolic rate. I was adding in for my workouts. And subtracting out 500 calories per day to create a deficit. I worked out more. I worked out less. I tweaked the numbers up slightly and then back down. Nothing worked.

I knew I needed help.

So, based on the recommendation of my friend, Sally, I set up an appointment to have my RMR (resting metabolic rate) tested.

This test, which costs $100 dollars and includes a meeting with a nutritionist, would tell me how many calories my body burns at rest. From there, it calculates how many calories you need based on your activity level plus 30 minutes of exercise each day (obviously, you get to increase or decrease your caloric intake based on your training schedule). In addition, it gives you caloric ranges for maintenance and weight loss.

I was convinced that I was going to be told that my metabolism is wicked slow and that I was severely overeating, thus gaining weight. To me, it seemed like the only logical outcome.

Yesterday was my test day. After four hours of fasting and relative inactivity (both key to getting accurate results), I headed to the appointment at Commonwealth Sports Medicine. Once there, I was asked a few basic questions.

Age: 30
Height: 5' 8 1/2"
Weight: 158
Goal Weight: 149

Then, my nose was clamped shut and I was told to breathe into a long tube attached to a machine. For 15 minutes. Upon completion, my results were printed. And here's what they said ...

Wait. Can't see that? Let's try again ...

Yeah, that's right my RMR is 2534. As in, if I stayed in bed all day and did nothing, I could still eat 2534 calories. And based on my lifestyle and 30 minutes of cardio (like I ever do just 30 minutes of cardio), I should be eating 3609 to MAINTAIN MY WEIGHT. (Note: based on these results, my metabolism is 67% faster than a typical person of similar sex, age, height and weight)

That's pure insanity.

Do you know how much I have been eating?

Somewhere between 1500-1800 on rest days. And 2200-2800 every other day. Even on days when I workout for 3+ hours, I never have more than 3000 calories.

Which means, I have been severely UNDER-EATING.

My body is holding on to it's weight, because I'm not giving it enough fuel.

In addition to these results, I had my body fat percentage tested. It came in at 24%, which is EXACTLY what my home scale has be telling me. So, that means I currently carry around 37.92 pounds of fat. To get to my goal weight and goal body fat percentage of 149 and 20%, I need to lose 8.12 pounds of fat. Hopefully, with the help of the new eating guidelines placed in front of me, I can make this happen.

Have you ever had this or a similar test done? What did you think of the results?

Flashback Friday ...

Sometimes, you need to be reminded of who you were

(December 2002)

to appreciate what you've become.

(October 2011)

Don't let your past mistakes control your future.
You are stronger than you think.

Flashback Friday ...

Yesterday, Dizzle and I were looking at some old pictures when we stumbled upon this gem ...

Yeah. That's me. Circa December 2002. I was 20 years old and about 195 lbs.

When Dizzle saw this picture, the first thing she said was, "Mom. That's you before you cut your hair." My thought was, "Yes. It's also when I had apparently swallowed a cow." But before those words came out of my mouth, I had a second thought.

Compare this picture (from September 2010) to the one above.


The first thing I notice is that I am much thinner now. But, not Dizzle. She didn't notice my size at all. What she saw was her mom - just with different hair. She wasn't critical of me in the least. So why was I?

Without even realizing it, she reminded me that I need to accept my body for what it is (good or bad). And that I need to love it for what it can do (make babies, rock a running skirt, run a marathon) and forgive it for what it can not (fit into a size 0).

Wow. Wonder if Dizzle realizes how smart she is? Probably.