Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Monday, June 11, 2012

a cautionary tale ...

I might be extremely slightly paranoid about riding my bike on the open road.

I don't like throwing in a slew of variables into something that already makes me uneasy. The possibility of poor road conditions, riding downhill and around sharp turns and the presence of vehicles all freak me out. So, unless someone invites me to ride, I ALWAYS choose my trainer over the open road.

There's something about having someone else there that makes the whole process less scary. Like, they are going to keep me safe. Or at least if something happens to me, they can go call for help.

On Friday, my friend D and I decided to tackle the roads for 30 miles. Since D is just as uneasy on her bike as I am, we planned a route with as little traffic as possible.

Five miles on moderately congested roads. Twenty miles (3 loops) through office parks where there were ZERO vehicles since it was after the start of the work day. And then five miles back on those same moderately congested roads.

Once we settled in (and got off the moderately congested roads), the ride was awesome. We looped the office park side-by-side, chatting away. We were feeling strong. And confident.

As we headed back on the five mile stretch to our start point, we separated. I pulled ahead slightly, but always had a feel for how close D was.

With less than two miles left, we hit a traffic light. D caught up and when it turned green, we eased back in to our ride.

About a half a block later, I rode past an entrance for a shopping center. As I did, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, a car coming our direction from the median. I didn't know where D was in relation to me. She could have been right on my tail or a few bike lengths back. I wasn't really sure.

A split second later, I knew exactly where she was, because I heard her scream.

I stopped as fast as I could and unclipped. When I turned around D was on the ground, half way under her bike. A passing runner was helping her out. A car (the one I noticed out of the corner of my eye) was less than two feet away from D, parked across both lanes of traffic.

The driver, who had cut across two lanes of traffic to make a last minute turn into the shopping center, was sticking her head out of the window asking if D was OK. She never saw her. I'm not really sure if she ever saw me. Maybe she was texting. Maybe she looked in her mirror, didn't see any cars and cut across never considering someone might be biking, running or walking by.

Fortunately, D screamed as the car approached (the car windows were down). It probably saved her.

D's OK now. She had a few scrapes and was severely shaken up, but she got back on her bike and finished the ride. For me, the whole situation was scary and surreal. It was like I was watching it happen in slow motion, but could do nothing to change the outcome.

I think both of us rode away asking, "What if?" A million scenarios played in my head. I'm not sure if any of them made me feel any better, but they all reminded me that when you are out on the roads (on bike or on foot) you can never be too careful. You can't assume someone else is paying attention and let your guard down. It's your own responsibility to stay safe.

And when you are driving, focus on DRIVING. Nothing else. It might just save someone's life ...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

facing fears ...

Fear.

It's a funny thing.

You can't hold it or see it. It has no shape or size. And it manifests itself differently to everyone.

The only constant with fear is that it can strike anyone. At anytime.

Over the years, I have had my fair share of fears. 
  • I have a fear of heights. 
  • I have a fear of my bike.
  • I have a fear of feeding livestock. 
  • I have a fear of flying.
  • I have a fear that history will repeat itself.
  • I have a fear that what seems like the right decision in the short term, might not be right for the long term.
  • I have a fear that I'll try and fail.
  • I have a fear that I'll try and succeed.
  • I have a fear that I won't be able to protect my children from everything I'd like to.
  • I have a fear that, like my own father, I won't be there to see my children as adults. 
Recently, that last fear seems to be been bothering me more than usual. There is something about observing other people's life and death experiences that makes you question your own mortality. That moment when you realize that you are not invincible, that you aren't immune to everything and that your life could also change in an instant.

It's easy to live your life in a bubble, ignoring what could or will be. It's safe there. There is no fear. I like that place. We all like that place.

But, is being comfortable enough? Maybe. Maybe not.

It's just that the more I think about it, it's not enough for me. I don't want my decisions to be dictated by a fear of the uncomfortable. I don't want to avoid change just because it might be a struggle.

From struggle comes greatness. And in that greatness, lies the moments you will cherish forever.

Fear, you've got nothing on me.

Monday, March 19, 2012

funk ...

I'm in a funk.

It's absurd. 

I'm a freaking Honey Badger who's in a funk.

And there seems to be nothing I can do to shake it.

It started a few weeks ago and little by little has been consuming me.

Yesterday, I gave in.

Feeling bad and facing mental demons, I started my long run. Two and a half miles later, I couldn't fight the negativity anymore. I stopped the treadmill. Took a shower. And slept for 12 hours.

I woke up feeling even worse.

It was a total fail.
 
I know exactly what's bothering me.

I'm feeling inadequate.

Not only compared to those around me, but compared to my self-imposed expectations.

I feel like I am doing a lot of things decently, but nothing superbly.

And I freaking hate it.

It's hard to be positive all of the time.

It's hard to always be "on."

And it's really hard to admit your weaknesses.

I know mine.

Now I just need to find away to eliminate them.

Monday, January 30, 2012

getting back on the saddle ...

The last time I rode a bike outdoors, I finished the ride looking like this ...

yeah, that's a complete AC Separation
and this ...

Road rash from Hell
and this ...


It wasn't pretty.

After my injury and subsequent surgery, it took me a while to get to where I really believed I was ever going to ride on the road again. Plus, my trainer is really comfy. Why would I want to leave comfy? Oh, and then there were my million and one excuses.

At first, I couldn't ride outside. My arm didn't have enough mobility to safely steer and balance the bike.

Then, I just got scared. It was probably better for me to wait.
 
And then, winter rolled around and it got too cold out to ride. Oh, well.

But this weekend, that all changed. I knew I had to start riding outside. My arm was functioning. The weather was gorgeous. All that was left was my fear. And I was going to have to get over it.

I know it may seem silly, but this was a big deal for me. Crashing scares me. Cars scare me. My clipless pedals that I had yet to use scared me. My new wicked fast bike, TigerBlood scares me. There was a whole lot of fear going on.

Fear that I conquered. Mostly.

I still fear cars.
And crashing.
And the speed that I can produce on my wicked fast bike.
But, I already got that "everyone falls while unclipping" thing out of the way. So, I really came out ahead.

After Saturday's ride, I'm less scared. And I know it will get better.

And if it doesn't, I will just ride really slowly on race day.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

fear of "what if" ...

I feel like I am stuck in a funny place right now. I know I am not entirely recovered from my injury, but I know that I am light years ahead of where I was a few weeks ago. I want to do more. But, I don't want to do too much. I want to get off the treadmill and run with my friends. But, I don't want to face the realities that doing that could bring. I want to jump in, feet first. But, I don't want to get too invested.

I am living with the fear of "what if."

What if I try and fail?
What if I try and actually succeed?
What if I'm too far behind?
What if it's more than I can handle?
What if I set myself back?
What if it happens again?
What if my fear is the only thing holding me back?
What if?
What if?
What if?

Having fear of "what if" is a dangerous. But, almost all of us are afflicted. Just think about it.

Why haven't you purged your closet? What if I need it later ...
Why haven't you changed your eating habits? What if I can't live without xyz ...
Why haven't you tried to reach your dreams? What if I don't make it ...
Why haven't you pushed yourself past comfortable? What if it hurts (emotionally, physically, etc) ...

Sure, all of those things are possible. That's the thing about "what if", it breeds self-doubt. But, consider this, what if everything turned out perfectly? What if the thing you thought you could never handle allows you to shine?

"What if" can be full of potential. You just have to let it be ...